Beach house = Peace house

so recently my two best friends moved into a beach house for the school year. Cailey and i went over last week and i instantly fell in love. The second i walked through the door every stress of my life left my body and i was at Peace. Even with a screaming baby life was good. It had a calming effect on me and i knew that it is where i belonged. Of course the second i walked through my own front door the stress of mommyhood/ wifehood/ roomatehood was back on but for those 7 hours at the beach house i was carefreeeee.....

husband realized this and even let me leave cailey with him for the night on friday and Party with the girls. I know how bad this will sound but DAMN IT FELT GOOD TO BE TWENTY. seriously it felt amazing to just let loose and act my own age for once. It was a great time and although i wouldnt wanna do it every night maybe once a week would be nice HA! anyways i found that good friends the ocean, and a couPle shots of tequila can really make a stressful life forgotten even if for one night!!

Do I just need to give up and get on with my life???

So it feels really darn good to wake up in the morning and sit around in pjs all day with my baby girl. I am still working but only 2 days a week. Its nice to spend the majority of the week with cailey and the other days making a little extra money for some things i want that eric doesnt think are needed.

Cailey has been a big ol' pain in the buttocks lately. MOLARS!!!! She is getting all 4 molars in at once one has poked through but we are still batteling with the other 3. I feel bad for her and for my sanity. I, even after a year, havent mastered the patience needed to be a mother. I blame it on my age. Most twenty year olds have no patience right?? She also has a nasty sounding raspy cough and a yellowy boogery nose. I will bring her in tomorrow even tho i know the doc will just chalk it up to daycare illnesses. One time they gave her a steroid for her lungs because she sounded prepneumonia maybe that will be the outcome again. She is in a wedding next saturday and a yellow boogery nose will not look good in pictures i am quite sure. But even with a boogery nose she will be the cutest little flower girl ever!!

Not to mention she got me sick! I am hoping we both do not have the swine flu. It seems as if someone on eric's boat may or may not have the swine flu. The ombudsmen emailed me this little known fact over a week ago and has not confirmed or denied the illness yet!! How very ombudsmen like THANKS!!!

I found out i got a 94 on my state exam for Nursing Assistant! YAY! GO ME!!! So now i am officially a CNA! Now just to find a job. Which seems to be the hardest part since i need to do days and i can only find places hiring for night shifts. If I cannot find one I am not too worried it would be nice to have some time off to play and spend some time with cailey before she turns into a teenager and learns to despise me.

Eric and I actually had a good talk today. He came home after being at work for 15 hours in a wonderful mood and played with cailey for awhile then went to bed. I recieved a text 3 minutes later that i should come lay with him and talk till he falls asleep. So we just talked and cuddled and acted like an actual happy married couple for about twenty minutes. It was great. And a step in the right direction. I really do not want a failed marriage and if he is willing to try i will not fill out the divorce papers just yet. It is also the first time i have actually gotten to see him in over 4 weeks thanks to the stupid navy. So i will wait and see what comes out of this new attitude change!!

I finally finally got a doctor. i have been putting it off since we moved here. Finally i realized it is not normal to have panic attacks 4 times a day a doctor and a perscription pad is needed to solve the problem. So after making 5 calls to tricare and forty calls to various doctor offices i am finally signed up for a doctor. The wait for new patients is 2-3 weeks so hopefully it will be soon. i used to get panic attacks a lot in highschool never medicated them but i drank a lot which seemed to take care of my anxiety. i really do not want to get back into my hardcore drinking ways. It took me a while to lose the title of alcoholic. and since i overcame all urges to be drunk 24/7 the day i found out i was pregnant with cailey why start up again??

well i have been long winded so i guess i will stop abusing my child and try and get her to sleep somewhere other then on top of me!! When will the molar hell end???

i officially suck at blogging

ok so i havent written in forever so here is what has been going down......

Cailey turned 1!!!! My baby girl is 1. I kept another human being alive for a whole year! GO ME!!! She also just started walking. Only 4 or 5 steps at a time but it is still walking another milestone down so i dont have to worry and compare her to other kids her age.

I just finished my class THANK THE LORD that it is over because i was getting exhausted and really really missed my baby. plus daycare is waaaayyyy to damn expensive. I am also going and putting my notice in to work tomorrow. I need time for me and Cailey. I missed the stay at home mommy thing while i was in my whirlwind of school and work. And even though i really want to start next september i will robably wait until cailey is in school before I go to nursing school. Right now i need to be home with her teaching her things and bringing her to the park and just enjoying every moment i can.

It seems like she has grown up over night and i hardly recognize her sometimes. Her vocabulary isnt as great as i want it to be I need to step up and make her talk. She says muma, eyes, dada, and something that sounds like cat. she blows kissies now its so cute if u blow her one she uses the back of her hand and makes a noise i guess she thinks sounds like lips smacking and blows u a kiss now she also does the same thing when she directly kisses you to. I have an affectionate child and i love it.

On the whole relationship thang.... marriage in my opinion is the worst thing ever. Did you know that no matter what you are stuck with this person until you fork over the money and file for divorce. WELL YOU ARE!!! Basically things have just been in a downward spiral. I am sick of it and cannot deal with it anymore. I also can not be around a guy who will scream at his wife in front of his child. She deserves better. My plan is to go stay at my parents house for a little while maybe he will come around and if not I am gone. I suggested marriage counseling and he isnt oen to it so i dont know what can save us now??? We did go out as a family one day a few weeks ago. To a trolley museum... how exciting!!!

ellohveeeee

what love is.......

love to me is the feeling i feel right now only for my daughter... waking up every morning wondering how she is if shes okay if she realizes how unhappy her mommy is.... i love her with every inch of my flesh and will until the end of time..... i will never fall out of love with her ever its not even possible........

but with her daddy.... its different.... it will always be different...i love him for making her with me... but when i go to sleep next to him at night and wake up with him in the morning its not the same.... not anymore.... and it hurts.... it hurts me to not feel what i felt with him just months before.... i really want there to be room enough in my heart to love more then just cailey but there isnt at this point in time.... and this is why

i want another baby..... right now... i want two little human beings who love me more then anything in thsi world... and he doesnt ever want another one... EVER.... he wont even discuss it ever.... he also scolds me like im his child... he gives me rules.... he monitors everything i do... i am in prison on a daily basis..... AND I FEEL BAD FOR FEELING THIS WAY.... like i am dishonering him

ajdhksdfdklfdklkfj

anyone wanna impregnate me????????????????

how much more can I take......

What would you do...........

IF YOUR HUSBAND WAS A COMPLETE AND TOTAL ASSHOLEEEEEEEEEEE

99.9% of the time


My heart tells me to divorce his ass

My head tells me I am 100% against divorce and to seek counseling

ahjasfhjksdfhhajshfjsfdh

That is how I feel... helpless and alone and just over all bored!!!!

BOREDDDDDDDDDD

How can i be bored i am busy from the time i wake up until Cailey is tucked safely in bed at night!! Then the battle with hubby begins until he goes to bed super early leaving me to drown my sorrows in ice cream, popcorn, or booze whatever fits for drowning the fight we had that night.

I am too damn young for this and just want out!!!

the heart of the matter

Soo I havent blogged in like umpteen weeks so here we go with the excuses and a very disorganized blog...


Hubby went for training in CT and took the "good" laptop leaving me with my piece of crap one, a sick baby, and a needy roomie.

I have been working 17 hours a week and in school for 14 and trying to play single mommy the rest of the hours in the week.

Hubby smashed my phone because i told him to shut up. NO JOKE!!! I told him to shut up and he smashed my beloved iphone on the floor. BASTARD!!!

All we do is fight. LITERALLLY ALL WE DO IS FIGHT!!!!!!! I get along better with Mike... which makes him even more mad! I cannot win and refuse to try anymore!!!

Had my first patient die... It was sad and I wasnt there for it but my heart goes out to her family. It is weird that i was one of the last people to have contact with her.

My debit card is brooooooooken will not swipe therefore we have had no groceries for 3 weeks while eric was gone ha!

My car has been in the shop for a week and a half with no estimated date of return. It is basically effed and is most likely gonna cost lots and lots of money to fix.

The washing machine has been broken for a month now and the damn laundrymat costs wayy to damn much so i do laundry as a last resort and pray we do not get dirty during the day.

Island in the Pacific! Next place to move as of last tuesday. Hubby doesnt want me to go with him wow i feeeel soooooo loved...

Overall I am a kick ass mommy, student, caregiver, daughter, sister, and friend BUT WIFEHOOD SUCKSSSS BIG POPCICLES!!!!!!!!

off to work :)

Love free picture coupons

So picture people sends me coupons for a free portrait at least twice a month so i get new pics at least once a month usually. Could be why cailey loves cameras and poses whenever she gets the chance

anyways....

today i got pictures done for her birthday invites...

take a look

and just for fun i got a few of us together....

let me know what you think